paradox

par·a·dox   –noun 1. a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.
2. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.

I know it's cliche to ask, but why is it that, when faced with change or circumstances that are energy demanding, it is easier to push aside the things that are most aligned with who I am as a sane, proud being?
 
Why is it that I can so stubbornly deny my hunger for the adventure, the physical and mental challenge, the sheer enjoyment that comes from being committed to an active lifestyle? For as surely as I know that I must eat to sustain life, I know too that I must be active to sustain my sanity. And yet I never cease to eat while I frequently cease to be active; to run.
 
But I have started running again and I feel alive! I feel sane and proud to be taking on the challenge that comes from struggling through each breath through every step of the run. I feel like I am being true to myself when I'm out there pounding the pavement. And while it was likely the feeling of too little energy to run that led me to stop, the act of running actually gives me energy. So being active breeds the energy to do more. I know this. 
 
Yet just as I know that I need to be active, the paradox I face is that I also know that I will stop again. And then, like now, I will ask the question of why I stopped. And then, like now, I will realize that the answer doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I get my runners on, head outdoors and find sanity and pride in the adventure of a run.