I have come to realize that I am officially an addict: I am completely addicted to experiencing a sense of accomplishment that I organize my life by an endless list of things to do in pursuit of achieving whatever it is that I have deemed necessary for my life to have purpose. I am so driven to accomplish more that I end up pushing myself and putting so much pressure on myself and those around me to achieve more that I cannot possibly actually achieve what I have put on myself. The result is that I am never accomplishing enough to be satisfied. I then end up in frequent self-induced pits of despair over my repeated failures. And the cycle continues: I decide that the only way to get out of the pit is to set a lofty and noble goal and actually achieve it. And not just one goal or even one that’s likely achievable but many goals that are a real challenge. That’s the only way to truly make use of your life – isn’t it?
It’s not like I aim to bee this way – although if I would simply decide that that is what I wanted to achieve maybe I’d actually feel that elusive sense of accomplishment I’m so addicted to pursuing. But let me back this rant up to what sparked this self-realization ...
Today I woke up and opened my eyes to the fact that I was, again, in a deepening pit of self-loathing and disparity. The frustrating part was that I had been doing so much that I was exhausted and yet I was still so bogged down with things to do/achieve that I didn’t even know where to start. So I started with the dishes and (in true multi-tasking fashion) a call yto my friend. That proved instrumental to my current state. She essentially told me to back off and stop putting the pressure on myself to accomplish things. Okay, I thought. That is exactly what I needed. So I decided to go for my run and simply enjoy it without worrying over my pace, what I was training for, what I needed to do immediately following it, etc. etc. I strapped on my shoes and even grabbed the ipod. Now you see this is huge. I never run with music because until today I have always considered it cheating. It’s what unfit recreational joggers – not runners in training – use to motivate themselves because they lack the discipline and mental toughness to push themselves. Today I decided to join that realm. I spent the first 5 minutes of my run scrolling through albums until I came across the one that seemed to fit. And then I ran the remaining 40 minutes to the reggae beats of Bob Marley. I really enjoyed it! I enjoyed each step, mentally lost in the easy-going reggae tunes and the beautiful scenery I was experiencing. And I felt proud of the fact that I had actually allowed myself to just experience this moment in my day without expecting more or planning how to accomplish more later. Now I think I’ve found another addiction – that of enjoying what I’m doing without the pressure to do it better.
- silly mare.
But is it not then true that the fact that I sought to simply do without expectation was in itself a goal that I then accomplished. And then resulting from this I was fulfilled by that which I am addicted to: a sense of accomplishment. So then the cycle has in fact begun again despite stating an conscious awareness of it and deliberate attempt to break it. For in the act of setting out to break the cycle I am in actuality stating another goal to accomplish and in this sense the cycle continues. So what then is my life if not a constant cycle of pursuing my addiction? How can I break free of this addiction without simply feeding it anew?
- muser.
No comments:
Post a Comment